Would You Curse God and Die?

When faced with suffering in life, it is tempting to quote the Scripture verse to "curse God and die."  Written 4000 years ago, the same words have been spoken by countless hurting people to this day.  How would you feel if you lost your career, children and health all at once?  In the case of a good man named Job, he suddenly lost all of those things in the same day.  As he sat on the ground in ashes, grieving and scraping himself with a piece of broken pottery, his wife asked him a question that strikes at the depressed heart and ears of anyone who ever suffered, "Are you still holding on to your integrity?  Curse God and die!"  (Job 2:9)

Job's wife chose to curse God for her losses.  All seven of their children died in a desert windstorm.  All of their cattle and riches were attacked and stolen.  They had nothing left.  Job's skin was covered with painful sores from his feet to his head.  She was angry and raged at God.  She told Job he should do the same and just kill himself.  Why keep living when life hurts like hell?

But Job kept his integrity.  He responded to his wife with a completely different view and a question of his own, "You are talking like a foolish woman.  Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" When Job first heard of his children's deaths, he had a similar reaction, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." In all this Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." (Job 1:21-22) 

Are you like Job or Job's wife?  Do you curse God for all the bad things that have happened to you and think about ending your life?  When I look at Job's losses, I can understand his wife's reaction to curse God and die.  Sometimes human anguish seems like too much to bear and we can point our rage at God.  I know a couple that lost their son  at only nine years old.  A close friend of mine was murdered at twenty-three.  My brother recently suffered through severe and multiple surgeries for cancer. And just last week, some people in Minnesota suddenly lost their parents on a cruise ship that is sinking off Italy as I write.  The list goes on and on.

 

But the list of good things go on and on too.  In most of our lives, the good things outweigh the bad--if we choose.  Shall we accept good from God, but not trouble?  Gratitude is the key to life and happiness.  Gratitude for good things and tolerance of the bad allows us to live instead of die. Are you still holding on to your integrity?  Bless God and live.  It's your choice. 

Uninhabitable Homes and Red-Tagged Marriages

The recent windstorm in Pasadena left our city in shambles. With winds up to 100 mph, I’d call it a hurricane instead of a windstorm. Debris is piled high in every block. Trees and power lines are down everywhere. And some unlucky homes like this are red-tagged. I took many pictures of homes like this one.  Smashed from downed trees, these homes have been declared uninhabitable. They aren’t safe to live in.

How safe is your home to live in? While Mother Nature destroys homes sometimes, human nature can do just as much damage, far more often and with far worse consequences. Human nature can be far less humane. As a therapist who helps people to pick up the pieces in their lives, I probably hear more stories than most of the worst examples of human nature. But whether in my office or in the newspapers, we've all heard stories about the mother who locked her kids in a closet for months or the father that threw his son across a room. I've heard of parents that pointed guns at their kids or told them they regret they were born. Its a toss-up which of those last two was a worse thing to do to a child. Some kids are victims of sexual abuse in their own homes. I know these are extreme examples of abuse in families, but other examples are far too commonplace, such as mothers with impossibly high standards, wives with constant bad moods, critical fathers and husbands with tempers.

Mother Nature can't help what she does, but can't human nature be better that this? Should kids have to live in uninhabitable homes?  While Nature doesn't have a heart, humans do.  We are held to a different standard. Humans know how they effect others and choose what they say and do. Parents and spouses are morally responsible for how they treat their family members. 

Are you building up your wife, husband or kids? Do your loved ones feel safer when they are around you? Or do you have a red-tag around you that makes them unsafe around you? If you are the red-tagged type of person, its time to do yourself and family a favor. Its time to change. Stop the excuses or low standards for your moods, temper or sarcasm. If you lived in a home yourself that was uninhabitable, you may need to talk out your wounds and griefs in therapy.  Don't take it out on others. Talk it out and get over it.  Make your home a safe place to live in for everyone. 

What American Fathers Need to Learn from Antarctica Penguins

What kind of father would stand outside in 75 degrees below zero blizzards and 100 mile per hour winds—for four months, and with no food? The male Emperor penguins in Antarctica do. And they repeat this test of endurance every year in order to protect and hatch their offspring. They must be the most committed fathers in the world.

After walking 70 miles inland to nesting grounds in order to be far away from any sea lions, the male penguin plays a unique and critical role in caring for his unborn chick. After the mother lays her one and only egg, she very carefully transfers it to the father’s feet (if he lets the egg touch the ground, the chick inside will immediately freeze and die). The mothers then leave all the fathers behind and go back to the ocean to eat and relax for a few months.

The father stands there and waits, with the egg on top of his feet, for four months straight. He will lose half of his body weight. And he will stay there, in the worst blizzards on planet earth, through twelve weeks of darkness (the sun rarely shines in Antarctica during those months). All for the sake of his unborn baby. Finally, after the chick hatches on his feet, the fattened-up mothers return with food for their new offspring, allowing the starving fathers to finally leave to get some food. Tired, hungry, and freezing, the fathers have to walk 70 miles back to the ocean again.

When the fathers later return to retrieve their families amongst the thousands of noisy moms and babies, they find their chicks not by sight, but by the sound of their chick’s voice. They can pick out their own chick’s voice out of one thousand other chick’s cries! These fathers must also have the greatest listening skills in the world.

I have never heard of fathers who cared for their young as much as these Antarctica penguins. While watching the movie, March of the Penguins, with my two kids, I was challenged as never before in my own commitment as a dad. Challenged by penguins! Few human fathers would suffer even half as much for their own kids. In fact, many human fathers don’t even wait around for their children to be born. They literally leave.

Today in America, more than one in three babies come into this world with no dad in the delivery room or waiting for them at home. They have no father’s arms to hold them. When added with fathers divorced from their wives, nearly 40% of all children will go to bed tonight without their dads in the house. And by the time they are teenagers, nearly half of these kids will no longer have any regular contact with their dads.

What does it do to children when their fathers leave and never come back? The loss and hardship is profound, like being dropped on frozen ground. Studies show that when fathers are absent from their children, there is a sharp increase in youth violence, crime, educational failure, teenage pregnancies, and child poverty. Kids feel unloved, rejected, depressed and angry. Boys raised by single mothers will often take on a hyper-masculinity in order to separate from her and her femininity. They demean and rage against women. The lyrics in rap music are full of this anger. “Beat the B**** with a Bat” is one lyrical example among many. These boys are angry at women and angry at male authority figures. And they can stay like angry boys for decades—never growing into men.

Studies show that children with involved fathers are more confident, self-controlled, socially skilled, responsible, law abiding, and in a word, happier people. Boys with involved fathers can relate more confidently and decently to women. Daughters with involved fathers are less likely to be sexually active as teens because they don’t feel so desperate for a boy’s attention and giving their bodies to get it. They have higher standards for the character qualities of the boys they eventually date. Boys with responsible fathers are more likely to grow up to be responsible men, husbands and fathers themselves. Like father—like son.

So how can Antarctica penguins show more commitment to their kids than millions of American men? To start with, let’s be honest about our penguin counterparts. Their “commitment” comes more from instinct than from a conscious choice. While caring for one’s babies should also be a human instinct for fathers, it is obvious that human free-will overrules that instinct. Commitment is a choice for fathers. Commitment to a sport, career, money or singlehood is also a choice. A man chooses his commitments.

I recently spoke with a father whose primary commitment was to be the greatest sailor in the world. Dennis Conner is a living legend in the world of America’s Cup and grand-prix sailboat racing. He not only lives out his commitment, he demands that his crews be just as committed to their sport—above God and family. As he explains in one of his books,

“What we required of everyone was a total commitment to the commitment. No one would make the team unless he or she put winning the Cup ahead of everything else in their lives: families, social lives, money, sex, religion, friendships. It had to be give all or nothing at all. I have a family of my own and I guess it could be argued that I have not been the best father or husband in the world. I chose, for better or worse, to commit myself to a particular goal. My insistence on the commitment to the commitment has led me to believe I may be a bit abnormal… and no doubt some people view me as insane.” (Comeback, p. 66)

 Two years after demanding this highest level of commitment, Conner and his team won back the America’s Cup from Australia. But he lost his wife and family.

I have a lot of respect for Dennis and other men like him who are completely committed to be the best in the world at their craft, sport or career. After visiting him at his marina office in San Diego (it is full of trophies), I began to wonder what it would be like to be world-class at something—at anything? And then it hit me. Why not be world-class in the most important craft in the world—being a father? Driving up the coast to my wife and kids, I decided that I would be as committed as Dennis to be a world-class father to my kids and husband to my wife. What if all fathers committed themselves to be world-class—at fathering?

Whether we follow the example of world-class athletes or Antarctica penguins, successful fathering demands the best out of a man. Here are seven ways for dads to be committed to their kids.

1. Love and care for your wife

Parenting ideally takes two people. Family life can sour quickly if the mother is left alone with all the childcare. Ask what your wife needs regularly, and do it for her. As you care for her, even the kids will feel your care.

Remember how the penguin fathers waited four months for the mothers to eat and come back? You won’t want to give your wife four months off, but encourage her to go out sometimes while you stay home with the kids. Your wife needs breaks too. (And when you stay home with the kids—don’t ever call it baby-sitting! You are never baby-sitting your kids—you are fathering them).

2. Commitment means sacrifice

Many men imagine that their lives don’t need to change after they become dads. They continue to spend the same amount of hours playing fantasy football or golf as they did before fatherhood. They refuse to trade in the two-seat sports car for a mini-van. That last one was personally hard for me, but I chose to embrace fatherhood for all it’s worth!

Unless you are wealthy enough to own an extra sports car, men need to postpone some of these possessions or past-times for a season. Remember, these sacrifices are usually temporary (ranging from three to eighteen years. Yet even I will have a two-seat coupe again someday). But the personal sacrifices for the sake of kids and family gives a father far more satisfaction than driving a Mercedes Benz 500SL AMG ever will. I swear to it (even though I’ve never owned one, but I’d still swear it’s true).

3. Spend as much time as possible with your kids

American fathers (who live at home) spend an average of six hours a week with their kids. That would make a penguin just shake his head. Play and have fun with your kids. If for some reason you don’t know how to do this, your kids will show you how—they’re experts at it! Loosen up and take off the tie. Ride bikes, make mud pies, play catch, wrestle in the grass, and read to them. Get them into sports. Don’t hide from the family behind a newspaper. Every old father I know says the same thing as he looks back, “I really miss those times with the kids. And now…they’re gone.”

4. Tell your kids that you love them

(for dad’s that are away from home—use the phone). I know hundreds of people who never once heard their fathers say they loved them. Is this asking too much from fathers? And why not also say the second most desired words that children want to hear; “I’m proud of you.” Say both of these as often as you can. Don’t make your kids have to guess how you feel about them. Even if you’re Norwegian or from another culture that makes it feel “unnatural” to you—do it anyway!

5. Teach them values

You are responsible to give your kids direction in their lives and relationships. Values give direction. Consider the most important values in your life, and talk about them and model them as best as you can. Choose your favorite three values and ask your kids to choose their favorite three. Post them on your refrigerator. My son’s are framed and posted on his bedroom wall. Teach your kids gratitude and they will find happiness no matter what happens in life. Values like patience, kindness, generosity, compassion, courage, honesty and respect will enrich their relationships. Values will guide their choices in life. What values guide yours?

6. Let your kids know you.

Your kids can live with you for eighteen years and still not know you. I know many people who say they never really knew their fathers because their fathers never let them know anything about themselves. These dads are like ghosts. They don’t really show themselves to anyone.

Even if you had hardships or flunked third grade as a kid, you can still let your child know how you felt and overcame difficult times. Children love to hear your stories and know about your life. Not only can you learn from your past, but they can learn from your past. Don’t be a ghost story.

7. Don’t be a Lone Ranger Father

Men need other men to inspire and support them as fathers. During the Antarctica winter, all of the penguin fathers huddled together to stay warm during those four brutally cold months--all with eggs on their feet. Just as they relied on each other, get together often with other committed dads. You won’t feel so alone, and you can learn from each other as well.

Commitment is not just for penguin fathers. It is the hallmark of world-class dads. It is the most admired and wanted quality in men according to women. As in the motto of the Marines, “Semper Fi” (Always Faithful), it is the key to success in the military, sports, business, marriage and fatherhood.

As more American fathers are known for this kind of commitment, I have the odd dream that someday a new documentary is made, called March of the Dads. And if the penguins in Antarctica could watch it, they could be impressed with us!



Martial Arts and Marriage

I’m not only learning the martial art of kenpo karate this year. I’m also learning some things about marriage (of course, as a marriage therapist—how couldn’t I?) One of the lessons I’ve learned is the tremendous emphasis in martial arts on the virtue of respect.

Before entering and exiting the mat, a bow is required out of respect for the space on which we train and spar. Of course, no one bows like this before entering a grocery store or McDonalds. People would stare at you if you did.  But a bow is appropriate when standing before a space or person that you respect (the most reverent act of all is to lay prostrate—which some dojo’s require children to do before their parents in ceremonies). In Asian culture, a bow is a basic show of respect to another person. 

In your marriage, how much respect do you show to your spouse?  How do you show it?  For many couples, the first and the last time they display an outward sign of respect is in their marriage ceremony. After that, their marriage space becomes less honored than that of a grocery store. I regularly observe how much couples respect each other in my office. When spouses meet each other for their marriage sessions, just the way they greet each other reflects how much they respect each other. Some couples don’t even say hi to each other. Other couples will kiss each other and ask how the other is doing. I’m sure the same behavior is true in their homes. When you return home at the end of the day, remember that you are entering a place of honor and respect as you greet your spouse. If it helps you to remember—take a bow as you enter through the door. You are about to meet someone who deserves your respect.

Another lesson from karate is to respect your opponent while fighting. This is a profound rule to always, always, always remember in both martial arts and in marriage. When you fight with your spouse, you are not fighting to conquer an enemy. And when we spar in a dojo, we are not fighting to disable or hurt each other. We keep respect for each other from the beginning to the end. Before we spar, we bow to each other. After we spar, we bow to each other. We follow rules to not seriously hurt each other. No punches are allowed to the (unprotected) face. A hit to your opponent’s face expels you from the dojo. We fight fair—not dirty. We keep respect for each other before, during and after a fight.

Too many couples lose respect for each other as soon as they start fighting about something. Instead of feeling respected after a fight, one or both are left hurt and rejected. There is nothing wrong when a couple fights about something. But there is everything wrong when a couple fights without respect for the other. If it helps you remember—take an emotional bow to your spouse before and after you fight. Remember that he or she is not your enemy.

One last thing before I bow out of this blog to you. We have one more gesture before we bow at the dojo. We put our hands out in front of us first, clasping our left open hand over our right fist. The left hand symbolizes the scholar.The right fist symbolizes the warrior.  The scholar hand covers the right fist. In the martial arts, we use our wisdom to control our aggression. In your marriage, use your wisdom to control your wrath. Use your head to control what you do and say. And never allow yourself to “lose your temper”, which is both a lie and a cop-out. People don’t “lose” their tempers—they “choose” their tempers.

When you fight with your spouse, choose the virtues of a martial artist. As you show respect for each other at all times, your marriage will have significantly less occasions for fights in the first place. Use your wisdom, keep respect for each other. Take a bow. 

Husbands: If You Want to be the Head of Your Wife...Don't be a Bonehead!

Husbands can have a warped view of what it means to be the head of their wives.  While the Bible says that a husband is the head of his wife (Eph. 5:23), a man’s human nature can easily twist that for his own selfish intentions.  As a therapist who has worked with many Christian husbands in marriage therapy, I’ve seen this selfish distortion of Scripture destroy husbands, wives and marriages. So here’s a correction and picture for all husbands who would be Christian heads--don't be a bonehead or blockhead.  Never forget that it's a bloody head.

Having just observed Good Friday and the crucifixion of Jesus, we have a sobering picture of what the head of the Church looks like. It’s a head covered in blood with thorns embedded in it. It’s not a comfortable crown. It’s dirty and it hurts like hell. Christian husbands sometimes forget what Christ’s head looked like after he sacrificed himself for the world. Our selfish human nature prefers to be loved like that instead of loving like that. In fact, some husbands want their wives to love them like Christ loved the church. That’s just plain backward.

As Jesus was getting his head bashed in and lashed 39 times, Peter was scared out of his mind. Although he had promised to die to protect Jesus, his human nature kicked in and he reconsidered the cost. How many husbands also reconsider the cost of marriage after their wedding day? Though they pledge to love their wives to their dying breath and put her above all others, human selfishness can kick right in within a month or two. The symptoms can even start up during the honeymoon. Like Peter, its one thing to say something noble, but it’s another thing to really do it—especially for a lifetime.

In fact, some husbands don’t believe they’re really supposed to love their wives that much anyway. Whether religious or atheist, they think their role as head of household gives them a right to be selfish and served. Such husbands are usually entitled and controlling men to start with. They’re both bullies and mama’s boys. Like adult babies they sit in high chairs and bang their spoons for attention. They expect the world, wives and children to revolve around them. They don’t take no for an answer, and sometimes throw temper tantrums.

I hate to say this, but I know one husband who demanded that his wife change her shoes before their guests arrived for dinner. When his wife didn’t comply, he went into a rage, threw his Bible (a big Bible) at her, and yelled at her to go to her room and not come out until she read it (like the passage on husbands and headship?) Their dinner party was not the only thing that was destroyed.  She eventually divorced him.  While I wish this was the only story I’ve heard of such self-centered and controlling “headship”, there are many more. Husbands like this demand conformity, respect (fear), and service that borders on slavery. And they’re genuinely surprised--and angry--when their wives leave them. 

For men who would be the head of their wives, remember you’re not wearing a comfortable crown. While the Bible says that Jesus wears a crown of gold today--us mortal men don't. But if you want to love your wife in the same way that Christ loved the church and gave his life for her, then consider your head wearing a crown of thorns at times.  It will keep you from getting a big head (entitled) or from acting like a hardhead (demanding) around your wife. Selfish husbands should be an oxymoron. If you really want to be the head of your wife, then protect and serve her with your very life.  That's using your head.   

Looking in Your Man Box

Sometimes a guy needs to look inside his man-box and see what's in there.  Your old beliefs about what it means to be a man might need an adjustment or two.  It might even be your own worst enemy.  It could be stressing you out, killing your love life, or pushing away your own beloved wife. 

Tony Porter is an educator and co-founder of A Call to Men: The National Association of Men and Women Committed to Ending Violence Against Women.  His speech to TED.com makes men stop and think what mature manhood really looks like.  What's inside your man-box?

How a Clean Pair of Socks can be the Key to Success

Of all the things that helped Kelly Gneiting finish the 2011 LA Marathon, one little thing stood out to me over all the rest--and it wasn't his determination.  There is no doubt his will power was the primary factor that got him across the finish line.  At 6 feet tall with a 5 foot waist carrying 400 lbs., he had tremendous determination to walk the 26.2 miles in pouring down rain.  But it was a small gesture from someone that also helped soaking wet Gneiting to stay in the race.  

At mile 15, a friend handed him a pair of dry socks. A little gesture that helped a big man walk another 11 miles to victory. 

What little gesture has  someone offered you that made a difference in your life?  What word or gift helped you to go on--that inspired you not to give up?  Who handed you a clean pair of socks?  I'd love to hear your comments below. 

And let's also think about who we can offer a clean pair of socks.  There is someone walking your way right now that can use such a little gesture of support and care today.  They may be a stranger that needs a smile or a wife that needs a "thank you" or a friend that needs a call.  The line of people is endless. 

You hold a pair of dry socks in your hands every day for someone who needs it.  Hand them out as they pass by. Help someone else to keep going in this common race of ours called "life".  Your little gesture can make all the difference for someone who is just now making it to mile 15.