The Marriage Coach

Curse God and Die

2012-01-23T12:17:00.000-08:00

It's your choice. When faced with suffering in life, it is tempting to quote the Scripture verse to "curse God and die." Written 4000 years ago, the same words have been spoken by countless hurting people to this day. How would you feel if you lost your career, children and health? In the case of a good man named Job, he suddenly lost all of those things. As he sat on the ground in ashes, grieving and scraping himself with a piece of broken pottery, his wife asked him a question that resonates with the hearts and ears of anyone who ever suffered, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!" (Job 2:9)

Job's wife chose to curse God for her losses. All seven of their children died in a desert windstorm. All of their cattle and riches were attacked and stolen. They had nothing left. Job's skin was covered with painful sores from his feet to his head. She was angry and raged at God. She told Job he should do the same and just kill himself. Why keep living when life hurts like hell?

But Job kept his integrity. He responded to his wife with a completely different view and a question of his own, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" When Job first heard of his children's deaths, he had a similar reaction, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." In all this Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." (Job 1:21-22)

Are you like Job or Job's wife? Do you curse God for all the bad things that have happened to you and think about ending your life? When I look at Job's losses, I can understand his wife's reaction to curse God and die. Sometimes human anguish seems like too much to bear and we can rage at God. I know a father who lost his son to cancer at age nine. Some children lose their mother when they are only three. My brother recently suffered through major surgeries for cancer. And last week, a few people in Minnesota lost their parents on a cruise ship that is sinking off Italy. The list goes on and on.

But the list of good things go on and on too. In most of our lives, the good things outweigh the bad--if we choose. Shall we accept good from God, but not trouble? Gratitude is the key to life and happiness. Gratitude for good things and tolerance of the bad allows us to live instead of die. Are you still holding on to your integrity? Bless God and live. It's your choice.

Uninhabitable Homes and Red-Tagged Marriages

2011-12-09T16:46:00.000-08:00

The recent windstorm in Pasadena left our city in shambles. With winds up to 100 mph, I’d call it a hurricane instead of a windstorm. Debris is piled high in every block. Trees and power lines are down everywhere. And some unlucky homes like this are red-tagged. I took many pictues like this of such homes. Smashed from downed trees, these homes have been declared uninhabitable. They aren’t safe to live in.

How safe is your home to live in? While Mother Nature destroys homes sometimes, human nature can do just as much damage, far more often and with far worse consequences. Human nature can be far less humane. As a therapist who helps people to pick up the pieces in their lives, I probably hear more stories than most of the worst examples of human nature. But whether in my office or in the newspapers, we've all heard stories about the mother who locked her kids in a closet for months or the father that threw his son across a room. I've heard of parents that pointed guns at their kids or told them they regret they were born. Its a toss-up which of those last two was a worse thing to do to a child. Some kids are victims of sexual abuse in their own homes. I know these are extreme examples of abuse in families, but other examples are far too commonplace, such as mothers with impossibly high standards, wives with constant bad moods, critical fathers and husbands with tempers.

Mother Nature can't help what she does, but can't human nature be better that this? Should kids have to live in uninhabitable homes? While Nature doesn't have a heart, humans do. We are held to a different standard. Humans know how they effect others and choose what they say and do. Parents and spouses are morally responsible for how they treat their family members.

Are you building up your wife, husband or kids? Do your loved ones feel safer when they are around you? Or do you have a red-tag around you that makes them unsafe around you? If you are the red-tagged type of person, its time to do yourself and family a favor. Its time to change. Stop the excuses or low standards for your moods, temper or sarcasm. If you lived in a home yourself that was uninhabitable, you may need to talk out your wounds and griefs in therapy. Don't take it out on others. Talk it out and get over it. Make your home a safe place to live in for everyone.

What American Fathers Need to Learn from Antarctica Penguins

2011-09-15T14:30:00.000-07:00

What kind of father would stand outside in 75 degrees below zero blizzards and 100 mile per hour winds—for four months, and with no food? The male Emperor penguins in Antarctica do. And they repeat this test of endurance every year in order to protect and hatch their offspring. They must be the most committed fathers in the world.

After walking 70 miles inland to nesting grounds in order to be far away from any sea lions, the male penguin plays a unique and critical role in caring for his unborn chick. After the mother lays her one and only egg, she very carefully transfers it to the father’s feet (if he lets the egg touch the ground, the chick inside will immediately freeze and die). The mothers then leave all the fathers behind and go back to the ocean to eat and relax for a few months.

The father stands there and waits, with the egg on top of his feet, for four months straight. He will lose half of his body weight. And he will stay there, in the worst blizzards on planet earth, through twelve weeks of darkness (the sun rarely shines in Antarctica during those months). All for the sake of his unborn baby. Finally, after the chick hatches on his feet, the fattened-up mothers return with food for their new offspring, allowing the starving fathers to finally leave to get some food. Tired, hungry, and freezing, the fathers have to walk 70 miles back to the ocean again.

When the fathers later return to retrieve their families amongst the thousands of noisy moms and babies, they find their chicks not by sight, but by the sound of their chick’s voice. They can pick out their own chick’s voice out of one thousand other chick’s cries! These fathers must also have the greatest listening skills in the world.

I have never heard of fathers who cared for their young as much as these Antarctica penguins. While watching the movie, March of the Penguins, with my two kids, I was challenged as never before in my own commitment as a dad. Challenged by penguins! Few human fathers would suffer even half as much for their own kids. In fact, many human fathers don’t even wait around for their children to be born. They literally leave.

Today in America, more than one in three babies come into this world with no dad in the delivery room or waiting for them at home. They have no father’s arms to hold them. When added with fathers divorced from their wives, nearly 40% of all children will go to bed tonight without their dads in the house. And by the time they are teenagers, nearly half of these kids will no longer have any regular contact with their dads.

What does it do to children when their fathers leave and never come back? The loss and hardship is profound, like being dropped on frozen ground. Studies show that when fathers are absent from their children, there is a sharp increase in youth violence, crime, educational failure, teenage pregnancies, and child poverty. Kids feel unloved, rejected, depressed and angry. Boys raised by single mothers will often take on a hyper-masculinity in order to separate from her and her femininity. They demean and rage against women. The lyrics in rap music are full of this anger. “Beat the B**** with a Bat” is one lyrical example among many. These boys are angry at women and angry at male authority figures. And they can stay like angry boys for decades—never growing into men.

Studies show that children with involved fathers are more confident, self-controlled, socially skilled, responsible, law abiding, and in a word, happier people. Boys with involved fathers can relate more confidently and decently to women. Daughters with involved fathers are less likely to be sexually active as teens because they don’t feel so desperate for a boy’s attention and giving their bodies to get it. They have higher standards for the character qualities of the boys they eventually date. Boys with responsible fathers are more likely to grow up to be responsible men, husbands and fathers themselves. Like father—like son.

So how can Antarctica penguins show more commitment to their kids than millions of American men? To start with, let’s be honest about our penguin counterparts. Their “commitment” comes more from instinct than from a conscious choice. While caring for one’s babies should also be a human instinct for fathers, it is obvious that human free-will overrules that instinct. Commitment is a choice for fathers. Commitment to a sport, career, money or singlehood is also a choice. A man chooses his commitments.

I recently spoke with a father whose primary commitment was to be the greatest sailor in the world. Dennis Conner is a living legend in the world of America’s Cup and grand-prix sailboat racing. He not only lives out his commitment, he demands that his crews be just as committed to their sport—above God and family. As he explains in one of his books,

“What we required of everyone was a total commitment to the commitment. No one would make the team unless he or she put winning the Cup ahead of everything else in their lives: families, social lives, money, sex, religion, friendships. It had to be give all or nothing at all. I have a family of my own and I guess it could be argued that I have not been the best father or husband in the world. I chose, for better or worse, to commit myself to a particular goal. My insistence on the commitment to the commitment has led me to believe I may be a bit abnormal… and no doubt some people view me as insane.” (Comeback, p. 66)

Two years after demanding this highest level of commitment, Conner and his team won back the America’s Cup from Australia. But he lost his wife and family.

I have a lot of respect for Dennis and other men like him who are completely committed to be the best in the world at their craft, sport or career. After visiting him at his marina office in San Diego (it is full of trophies), I began to wonder what it would be like to be world-class at something—at anything? And then it hit me. Why not be world-class in the most important craft in the world—being a father? Driving up the coast to my wife and kids, I decided that I would be as committed as Dennis to be a world-class father to my kids and husband to my wife. What if all fathers committed themselves to be world-class—at fathering?

Whether we follow the example of world-class athletes or Antarctica penguins, successful fathering demands the best out of a man. Here are seven ways for dads to be committed to their kids.

1. Love and care for your wife

Parenting ideally takes two people. Family life can sour quickly if the mother is left alone with all the childcare. Ask what your wife needs regularly, and do it for her. As you care for her, even the kids will feel your care.

Remember how the penguin fathers waited four months for the mothers to eat and come back? You won’t want to give your wife four months off, but encourage her to go out sometimes while you stay home with the kids. Your wife needs breaks too. (And when you stay home with the kids—don’t ever call it baby-sitting! You are never baby-sitting your kids—you are fathering them).

2. Commitment means sacrifice

Many men imagine that their lives don’t need to change after they become dads. They continue to spend the same amount of hours playing fantasy football or golf as they did before fatherhood. They refuse to trade in the two-seat sports car for a mini-van. That last one was personally hard for me, but I chose to embrace fatherhood for all it’s worth!

Unless you are wealthy enough to own an extra sports car, men need to postpone some of these possessions or past-times for a season. Remember, these sacrifices are usually temporary (ranging from three to eighteen years. Yet even I will have a two-seat coupe again someday). But the personal sacrifices for the sake of kids and family gives a father far more satisfaction than driving a Mercedes Benz 500SL AMG ever will. I swear to it (even though I’ve never owned one, but I’d still swear it’s true).

3. Spend as much time as possible with your kids

American fathers (who live at home) spend an average of six hours a week with their kids. That would make a penguin just shake his head. Play and have fun with your kids. If for some reason you don’t know how to do this, your kids will show you how—they’re experts at it! Loosen up and take off the tie. Ride bikes, make mud pies, play catch, wrestle in the grass, and read to them. Get them into sports. Don’t hide from the family behind a newspaper. Every old father I know says the same thing as he looks back, “I really miss those times with the kids. And now…they’re gone.”

4. Tell your kids that you love them

(for dad’s that are away from home—use the phone). I know hundreds of people who never once heard their fathers say they loved them. Is this asking too much from fathers? And why not also say the second most desired words that children want to hear; “I’m proud of you.” Say both of these as often as you can. Don’t make your kids have to guess how you feel about them. Even if you’re Norwegian or from another culture that makes it feel “unnatural” to you—do it anyway!

5. Teach them values

You are responsible to give your kids direction in their lives and relationships. Values give direction. Consider the most important values in your life, and talk about them and model them as best as you can. Choose your favorite three values and ask your kids to choose their favorite three. Post them on your refrigerator. My son’s are framed and posted on his bedroom wall. Teach your kids gratitude and they will find happiness no matter what happens in life. Values like patience, kindness, generosity, compassion, courage, honesty and respect will enrich their relationships. Values will guide their choices in life. What values guide yours?

6. Let your kids know you.

Your kids can live with you for eighteen years and still not know you. I know many people who say they never really knew their fathers because their fathers never let them know anything about themselves. These dads are like ghosts. They don’t really show themselves to anyone.

Even if you had hardships or flunked third grade as a kid, you can still let your child know how you felt and overcame difficult times. Children love to hear your stories and know about your life. Not only can you learn from your past, but they can learn from your past. Don’t be a ghost story.

7. Don’t be a Lone Ranger Father

Men need other men to inspire and support them as fathers. During the Antarctica winter, all of the penguin fathers huddled together to stay warm during those four brutally cold months--all with eggs on their feet. Just as they relied on each other, get together often with other committed dads. You won’t feel so alone, and you can learn from each other as well.

Commitment is not just for penguin fathers. It is the hallmark of world-class dads. It is the most admired and wanted quality in men according to women. As in the motto of the Marines, “Semper Fi” (Always Faithful), it is the key to success in the military, sports, business, marriage and fatherhood.

As more American fathers are known for this kind of commitment, I have the odd dream that someday a new documentary is made, called March of the Dads. And if the penguins in Antarctica could watch it, they could be impressed with us!

Martial Arts and Marriage

2011-07-14T16:39:00.000-07:00

I’m not only learning the martial art of kenpo karate this year. I’m also learning some things about marriage (of course, as a marriage therapist—how couldn’t I?) One of the lessons I’ve learned is the tremendous emphasis in martial arts on the virtue of respect.

Before entering and exiting the mat, a bow is required out of respect for the space on which we train and spar. Of course, no one bows like this before entering a grocery store or McDonalds. People would stare at you if you did. But a bow is appropriate when standing before a space or person that you respect (the most reverent act of all is to lay prostrate—which some dojo’s require children to do before their parents in ceremonies). In Asian culture, a bow is a basic show of respect to another person.

In your marriage, how much respect do you show to your spouse? How do you show it? For many couples, the first and the last time they display an outward sign of respect is in their marriage ceremony. After that, their marriage space becomes less honored than that of a grocery store. I regularly observe how much couples respect each other in my office. When spouses meet each other for their marriage sessions, just the way they greet each other reflects how much they respect each other. Some couples don’t even say hi to each other. Other couples will kiss each other and ask how the other is doing. I’m sure the same behavior is true in their homes. When you return home at the end of the day, remember that you are entering a place of honor and respect as you greet your spouse. If it helps you to remember—take a bow as you enter through the door. You are about to meet someone who deserves your respect.

Another lesson from karate is to respect your opponent while fighting. This is a profound rule to always, always, always remember in both martial arts and in marriage. When you fight with your spouse, you are not fighting to conquer an enemy. And when we spar in a dojo, we are not fighting to disable or hurt each other. We keep respect for each other from the beginning to the end. Before we spar, we bow to each other. After we spar, we bow to each other. We follow rules to not seriously hurt each other. No punches are allowed to the (unprotected) face. A hit to your opponent’s face expels you from the dojo. We fight fair—not dirty. We keep respect for each other before, during and after a fight.

Too many couples lose respect for each other as soon as they start fighting about something. Instead of feeling respected after a fight, one or both are left hurt and rejected. There is nothing wrong when a couple fights about something. But there is everything wrong when a couple fights without respect for the other. If it helps you remember—take an emotional bow to your spouse before and after you fight. Remember that he or she is not your enemy.

One last thing before I bow out of this blog to you. We have one more gesture before we bow at the dojo. We put our hands out in front of us first, clasping our left open hand over our right fist. The left hand symbolizes the scholar.The right fist symbolizes the warrior. The scholar hand covers the right fist. In the martial arts, we use our wisdom to control our aggression. In your marriage, use your wisdom to control your wrath. Use your head to control what you do and say. And never allow yourself to “lose your temper”, which is both a lie and a cop-out. People don’t “lose” their tempers—they “choose” their tempers.

When you fight with your spouse, choose the virtues of a martial artist. As you show respect for each other at all times, your marriage will have significantly less occasions for fights in the first place. Use your wisdom, keep respect for each other. Take a bow.

Husbands: If You Want to be the Head of Your Wife...Don't be a Bonehead!

2011-04-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

Husbands can have a warped view of what it means to be the head of their wives. While the Bible says that a husband is the head of his wife (Eph. 5:23), a man’s human nature can easily twist that for his own selfish intentions. As a therapist who has worked with many Christian husbands in marriage therapy, I’ve seen this selfish distortion of Scripture destroy husbands, wives and marriages. So here’s a correction and picture for all husbands who would be Christian heads--don't be a bonehead or blockhead. Never forget that it's a bloody head.

Having just observed Good Friday and the crucifixion of Jesus, we have a sobering picture of what the head of the Church looks like. It’s a head covered in blood with thorns embedded in it. It’s not a comfortable crown. It’s dirty and it hurts like hell. Christian husbands sometimes forget what Christ’s head looked like after he sacrificed himself for the world. Our selfish human nature prefers to be loved like that instead of loving like that. In fact, some husbands want their wives to love them like Christ loved the church. That’s just plain backward.

As Jesus was getting his head bashed in and lashed 39 times, Peter was scared out of his mind. Although he had promised to die to protect Jesus, his human nature kicked in and he reconsidered the cost. How many husbands also reconsider the cost of marriage after their wedding day? Though they pledge to love their wives to their dying breath and put her above all others, human selfishness can kick right in within a month or two. The symptoms can even start up during the honeymoon. Like Peter, its one thing to say something noble, but it’s another thing to really do it—especially for a lifetime.

In fact, some husbands don’t believe they’re really supposed to love their wives that much anyway. Whether religious or atheist, they think their role as head of household gives them a right to be selfish and served. Such husbands are usually entitled and controlling men to start with. They’re both bullies and mama’s boys. Like adult babies they sit in high chairs and bang their spoons for attention. They expect the world, wives and children to revolve around them. They don’t take no for an answer, and sometimes throw temper tantrums.

I hate to say this, but I know one husband who demanded that his wife change her shoes before their guests arrived for dinner. When his wife didn’t comply, he went into a rage, threw his Bible (a big Bible) at her, and yelled at her to go to her room and not come out until she read it (like the passage on husbands and headship?) Their dinner party was not the only thing that was destroyed. She eventually divorced him. While I wish this was the only story I’ve heard of such self-centered and controlling “headship”, there are many more. Husbands like this demand conformity, respect (fear), and service that borders on slavery. And they’re genuinely surprised--and angry--when their wives leave them.

For men who would be the head of their wives, remember you’re not wearing a comfortable crown. While the Bible says that Jesus wears a crown of gold today--us mortal men don't. But if you want to love your wife in the same way that Christ loved the church and gave his life for her, then consider your head wearing a crown of thorns at times. It will keep you from getting a big head (entitled) or from acting like a hardhead (demanding) around your wife. Selfish husbands should be an oxymoron. If you really want to be the head of your wife, then protect and serve her with your very life. That's using your head.

Looking in Your Man Box

2011-04-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a guy needs to look inside his man-box and see what's in there. Your old beliefs about what it means to be a man might need an adjustment or two. It might even be your own worst enemy. It could be stressing you out, killing your love life, or pushing away your own beloved wife.

Tony Porter is an educator and co-founder of A Call to Men: The National Association of Men and Women Committed to Ending Violence Against Women. His speech to TED.com makes men stop and think what mature manhood really looks like. What's inside your man-box?

How a Clean Pair of Socks can be the Key to Success

2011-04-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

Of all the things that helped Kelly Gneiting finish the 2011 LA Marathon, one little thing stood out to me over all the rest--and it wasn't his determination. There is no doubt his will power was the primary factor that got him across the finish line. At 6 feet tall with a 5 foot waist carrying 400 lbs., he had tremendous determination to walk the 26.2 miles in pouring down rain. But it was a small gesture from someone that also helped soaking wet Gneiting to stay in the race.

At mile 15, a friend handed him a pair of dry socks. A little gesture that helped a big man walk another 11 miles to victory.

What little gesture has someone offered you that made a difference in your life? What word or gift helped you to go on--that inspired you not to give up? Who handed you a clean pair of socks? I'd love to hear your comments below.

And let's also think about who we can offer a clean pair of socks. There is someone walking your way right now that can use such a little gesture of support and care today. They may be a stranger that needs a smile or a wife that needs a "thank you" or a friend that needs a call. The line of people is endless.

You hold a pair of dry socks in your hands every day for someone who needs it. Hand them out as they pass by. Help someone else to keep going in this common race of ours called "life". Your little gesture can make all the difference for someone who is just now making it to mile 15.

If a 400-pound Sumo Wrestler Can Run a Marathon...

2011-03-24T15:29:00.000-07:00

Markos Geneti and Kelly Gneiting both set inspiring new records in the LA Marathon on Sunday. Running in drenching rain and strong winds from Dodger Stadium to the ocean, Geneti from Ethiopia set a new course record in 2:06:35. His time is the second-fastest time in the world for 2011 and a new record in California history. His pace was 4:49.7 minutes per mile--for 26.2 miles. But that's not all--this was his first marathon! That's stunning. But what about Gneiting?

Gneiting finished in 9 hours, 48 minutes and 52 seconds. He was so slow that the traffic had returned to the streets and he had to walk on the sidewalks in the rain. But if you weighed 400 pounds, how fast would you get there? A former sumo wrestler with a current 60 inch waist, Kelly is now in the Guinness book of world records as the heaviest person to complete a marathon. The previous record was held by a mere 275-pounder. Plus, Gneiting beat his last marathon time of 11 hours and 52 minutes by 2 hours. As he joked after the race, "I'd like to see the Kenyan improve his marathon time by two hours!" Gneiting walked with shooting pain from blisters in his feet and felt delirious after ten miles, but he pressed on. "I was really struggling in the last five miles," he said, "but I said to myself, 'If I have to crawl, I will.'" (www.latimesblog.latimes.com, 3/20/11)

What goals are you trying to reach in life, and how is your pace going? For me, I wish that I was like the Ethiopian...but I often feel more like the sumo. Although Gneiting ran (walked) a very slow pace, at least he kept going. He wasn't embarrassed, and he didn't stop or quit even though he was tired.

What goal have you felt embarrassed about? A personal one for me is to reach the finish line with my next book--now over three years in the making. One last edit of the final draft and I can finally publish it. Although I'm feeling tired by now, Gneiting the-determined-sumo inspires me to just keep going anyway until I get it done. Even though he finished his marathon on the sidewalks, at least he finally finished.

How is the progress on reaching your goals in life? What's been weighing you down or slowing down your journey? Negative thoughts and emotions are the usual problem. Past memories, hurts, losses and regrets can also weigh you down. Fear can make you stop in your tracks. All of these burdens can feel like a thousand pounds. But forgiveness and hope can outweigh them all. What do you need to get moving again? What goals are you determined to reach in your life?

In my next post, we'll talk about a little but powerful boost that helped Gneiting and helps all of us to keep going strong.

Say What You Need to Say

2011-03-11T16:49:00.000-08:00

One of the best scenes in the Oscar-winning movie, "The King’s Speech," is excruciating to watch. As the then Duke of York approaches the microphone for a speech to thousands of people at Wembley Stadium—he freezes. The words don’t come out. You feel his panic, and you feel terrible for him. And though you may have never spoken in front of thousands of people, you’ve been there yourself. All of us have had times when the words just wouldn’t come out. It feels awful and you can regret it for years--sometimes for a lifetime.

"Why didn’t I tell her I love her? Why didn’t I say no to my boss? Why didn’t I ask her out on a date?" The list of things that you wanted to say—but didn’t say—is endless. As with the main cause of stuttering, you're afraid. Fear stops your free speech. Early fears in life, from cold or abusive parents, siblings or other threats from authority figures will affect your speech. You may not stutter, but you may speak softly, mumble, keep quiet, shut up or just smile a lot.

Of course, there are times when it is best to hold your tongue. An ancient biblical verse from Ecclesiastes says, "There is a time to be silent and a time to speak." (Ec.3:7). Another verse from James gives similar wisdom that "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak." (Ja.1:19). I often tell my clients that while James teaches us to think about our words before we say them--he also tells us to follow through and say it. Every marriage book ever written emphasizes the importance for couples to verbalize their thoughts and feelings to each other. Mind reading is not an art. It's not even possible. We need to speak up. Here are three points to help set you free to express yourself.

1. Most people can handle what you have to say. Your family members, boss or even strangers usually won't react according to your worst case scenarios. Your fears usually stretch the truth. Most people will listen to what you have to say, and if they disagree with you, so what? Differences and disagreements are not the worst thing in the world. They usually illuminate, sometimes even fascinate! Fortunately, you aren't seven years old anymore and need to please an unhappy parent. Today you can have adult-to-adult conversations with others.

2. You are a natural born speaker. It's human nature to communicate. Why do people world-wide make billions of phone calls and texts every day? Human beings are extremely verbal creatures. Even when God created the heavens and the earth, He said that it was "good." Ever wonder who He was talking to? And just like our Maker, we also talk to ourselves at times. You are not meant to shut-up and be silent. The old adage that "children should be seen and not heard" is inhuman in any culture. Everyone has a voice, including the deaf and mute. God created you to say something!

3. Talking is good for your mental health. Therapy has been called the "talking cure" because we all know that it helps to talk with someone in a time of need. In fact, it helps to talk with others all the time, about all kinds of things. When we are down, we need a listening ear. When we are thrilled about a new car or just got engaged, we also need to talk about the good news. For humans, a sure recipe for insanity is to not talk with anyone (can you imagine what a year in solitary confinement would do to you?). Make it a priority in life to regularly talk with someone.

In the ending scene of "The King's Speech", the King faces another microphone--this time by radio to the entire country and beyond. The pressure is intense. But the biggest support and difference this time was standing three feet away from him--his close friend and speech therapist, encouraging him to speak up. It was a time to speak. And the nation heard what they needed to hear. You also have a world to speak to in your life. What do you have to say to others? What do you need to say? In the words of a popular song today, "Say what you need to say."

Husband of the Year Awards

2011-01-10T16:00:00.000-08:00

Before the wedding, guys will slay dragons and climb mountains to win their beloved's hand in marriage. After the wedding, men can slack. As pictures are worth a thousand words, see how you compare with these guys (no offense meant to the following countries and their winners). Husbands all over the world will be challenged by these examples. What photos could your wife take of you for this award?
3rd Place goes to Greece

2nd Place goes to Serbia

First Place: Ireland. See how he is holding her hand!

Honorable mentions: Italy

The United States

Marriage in the Groove

2010-10-11T12:18:00.000-07:00

Marc in the groove with Brian Simpson

Ever wish you could make music like your favorite artist? My personal favorite is jazz guitarist Marc Antoine. I play his song Latin Quarter all the time. I love his music so much that I just hopped on a boat and saw Marc perform live at the Catalina Jazz Festival in Avalon (photo of Marc "in the groove" with Brian Simpson on Saturday). Now I not only hear the music in my ears, I can see it too. And though I'm not a musician, I need to play like him too. Every husband should. And every wife can try. Whether you're a musician or not, you play a live concert every day with your beloved. So how does your music sound? And how is your groove together?

One reason I've always marveled at jazz is because of the amazing synchronicity that goes on between the band members. Keyboard, guitar, bass, drums and sax all play in sync with each other's rhythm. The artists are musically reading each other, playing face to face as they jam, eye to eye and soul to soul. They are in the groove together, and it is amazing to watch. Each artist is playing his or her own instrument, but each tracks with the other and feature each other. They share the stage together, nodding and making room for each other. Playing in the groove, the music is so much better. Each person supports the other to sound their best. It's good for everybody.

Husbands and wives need to play together in the same kind of groove. Too many marriages lose their rhythm not long after their wedding day. They start off making a great sound together, but like disgruntled band members they eventually break up. Their album has three or four great songs but they never finish it. One quits playing with all his heart, and she never lets go of his mistakes. He's critical of her style, and she feels too hurt to play anymore. It happens all the time. The music, the love, the rhythm all stop. If this has happened to you, it's time to get back in the groove. Here are three ways to get there:

Play like a professional--not like an amateur

Professional musicians practice their craft for thousands and thousands of hours. They know that practice is the only way to sound better and better. When you are looking at a world-class performer, you are looking at practice, practice and more practice. They don't reach their potential by picking up their instrument whenever they feel like it. Although they play their instrument--they are also work at it! It's play and work.

Marriage demands the same commitment from husbands and wives. You don't feel like taking her out on dates anymore? Start practicing again anyway. You're disappointed with his career? Encourage him anyway. You choose. You can be an amateur spouse or love like a pro. You didn't just make a commitment on your wedding day. You must stay committed to love your spouse like a professional artist loves his craft. Practice loving every day--for years. For thousands and thousands of hours. Your marriage deserves it. The results will show it.

Use Grace to Get back in Sync

Even the best artists have their bad days and must battle to find their rhythm again. Things happen. A band member gets sick, distracted, or just plain tired or exhausted, and he gets out of sync with the others. Worse still, two members start resenting or feud with each other. We're all human. We all get out of sync sometimes. For couples, the key is to do whatever it takes to get back in their groove. Maybe you need to talk about something that you've been avoiding. Maybe you need to take a good rest! Maybe you need to compromise on an important decision. Above all, get back in rhythm again by giving and receiving grace (how sweet the sound). Play together again, face to face, eye to eye, soul to soul with grace, love and support. And if you still can't get back in sync on your own, consider a marriage counselor to help you make some music again.

Have Fun Together

My favorite musicians appear to have fun when they play. Their music is the better for it, and their rapport with the audience too. Marriage is also meant to be fun. Yes, it takes work, but it also takes play. As I said before, great musicians work at their craft but play at their concerts. Married couples need to play together as they did when they were dating.

Love like a professional, stay in sync, and have fun while you play together. Make your marriage your favorite song and the best concert you've ever heard. Get in the groove together!

Marc and Me in after-concert groove

Jump Over the Catcher

2010-04-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you suddenly encounter an obstacle in your life? Fordham University baseball player Brian Kownacki offers a great idea. As he was rounding third base and running for home, the catcher was waiting for him in front of the plate. Kownacki had no way out. He couldn't run around the catcher and run out of the baseline. He was screwed! He should have stayed safe on third. There was no way he could get out of this one. So he jumped over the catcher.

Kownacki jumped high over the catcher like a gymnast and came down on home plate with his hands, with his body rolling over the plate after him. The catcher thought he disappeared. Instead of being tagged out, Kownacki scored!

What obstacles have suddenly appeared in front of your life? What happens when you are running for home plate and a catcher suddenly appears in front of you to tag you "OUT!"? Do you panic? Do you shower yourself with regrets and recriminations that you were stupid and should have stopped at third? Do you wish you never entered the game in the first place? Do you get mad at the catcher and blame him for getting in your way? Are you ready to throw in the towel and quit the game? When you are faced with an obstacle, do you just give up and let yourself be tagged?

Although we can't always jump over the obstacles in our lives, we can keep our wits and try to do whatever we can do. Kownacki knew what he couldn't do. The rules wouldn't let him run around the catcher. So he did something that most players never even think about doing. He thought outside the box. He literally flipped out! He thought fast and figured out the best way to reach his goal. Home plate was five feet away, and if he couldn't run there, he figured he would fly there.

We all face obstacles to our goals in life. Bankruptcies, a pending divorce, past regrets or health problems are some of the millions of obstacles that face us. When such things rise up to stop you, you have to adjust. Don't give up. Don't beat yourself up. Don't freeze in fear. Don't walk out of the game. Do whatever you can do to face your obstacle and move on. Don't lose your momentum in life. Follow Kownacki's example. When you face an obstacle--jump over the catcher.

Stop Beating Yourself Up

2009-10-29T21:53:00.000-07:00

You might not be among the two million Americans sitting behind bars today, but you could be sitting in a different kind of prison--of regrets, self-hatred and self-condemnation. I hear prisoners every day in my counseling office. “I hate myself and will never forgive myself” is a judgement I've heard a thousand times. A life sentence if there ever was one.

A great illustration of beating up oneself is acted out by Jim Carey in the movie, "Liar, Liar". In a moment of outrage, Carey takes out his anger on himself while washing his hands in a public restroom. He is so mad at himself that he throws his whole body around on the walls and floor, ripping his clothes and kicking himself silly. After looking completely disheveled, beaten and bruised, another man walks in and asks what he is doing to himself. His response?--“I’m kicking my ass!”

How often do you do the same thing to yourself? Everyone kicks themselves at one time or another. Yet some people keep kicking themselves every day for years. You may be stuck in the prison of guilt and self-hatred yourself. Rotting in jail.

Or you can go free. The "Get Out of Jail Free" card is not just a great deal in the game of monopoly. The card is also available to you in life. I call it the Grace Card. As you will need it often, it's best to keep it in your pocket. Your life was not meant to be spent in a prison of any kind. You were meant to be free.

The Bible is the best Grace Card around. The theme of freedom and grace runs through the Bible from the beginning to end. The exodus of the Jews from slavery in Egypt is one of the greatest liberation stories in history. A time came when God decided that Pharaoh's time was up. The Jewish people were freed to leave. God offers the same freedom to individuals. When King David committed adultery with Bathsheba (and killed her husband), he was overwhelmed with guilt. As he wrote in Psalm 38, "My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear." Yet even David found freedom from a life sentence of guilt through the God of grace and forgiveness.

David wrote of this grace in Psalms 103, "The Lord is compassionate and gracious,...he does not treat us as our sins deserve,...as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Simply put in Psalm 146, "The Lord sets prisoners free."

Stop beating yourself up.   Here's how to change:
1. Talk it out. Don't bottle it up or keep your regrets to yourself. Talk with a trusted person or friend that will listen to your story with both seriousness and grace.  If possible, apologize to the person that you offended. You will not only feel better emotionally and relationally. You will also do better physically. Self-hatred stresses your body. As David put it, "When I kept silent, my bones wasted away." (Ps.32) Confession of your guilt is the first step to your freedom and new life.
2. Learn from it. Learn from your mistakes and change for the better. If you hurt someone else, do good to them.  You may not be able to fully repay someone that you harmed, but you can at least change your actions in the future and do good.
3. Look up again. Shame causes your focus in life to look downward at your shoes. Receiving God's grace allows you to look up again, and even stand up straight again.  You can keep looking at your shame, or you can look up to God's grace and forgiveness. You choose.

Finally, be a source of gracefulness to others. People around you are beating themselves up too, even though you may not see it (and the saddest thing in the world are people that silently hate themselves or feel unlovable simply because they weren't loved well enough when they were young).  Be a source of love and grace to them and to everyone else. And don't forget to be graceful to yourself too.

For the Greatest Sex: Keep it Real

2009-09-22T13:42:00.000-07:00

Modern advances in animation and film can make nearly anything look real. The special effects in most action movies make it look like Iron Man can fly and James Bond has nine lives. But the greatest special effects of all is found in pornography. Whether in magazines, the Internet or movies, pornography looks real. The people look real and are real. But in reality...they aren't.

A great illustration of this sexual reality-bending is found in the surprisingly charming movie Lars and the Real Girl. Too anxious to get close to a real girl, Lars orders a life-size doll off the Internet. These dolls look real. They're made from silicone and are anatomically correct. And always safe. Dolls never frustrate, avoid or break up with their owner. They never disagree or argue. They're always loving and ready for love-making.

The same is true for pornography. The models in pornography have the irresistible combination of being both attractive and safe. With over 400 million pages of pornography on the Internet today, these images are irresistible to millions of men (and boys--the largest group that views Internet pornography are boys ages 12-17). I've heard single men say they prefer pornography over dating.

In reality, pornography makes men cowards. As psychoanalyst Alan Karbelnig points out, "Pornography basically serves as a form of defense against humiliation, rejection, abandonment, and other varieties of human vulnerability. Focusing on the "sexual act," this time observed via the Internet, prevents the viewer from direct exposure to an actual encounter in which they could be wounded in any number of ways." In other words, it's always "safe." Dangerously safe.

It's time for men to get real. Reality must become irresistible. Single guys have to face the anxieties of asking a woman on a date. She may or may not say "yes", but there is even more danger for you to stay forever alone and lonely. For married guys, the reality is that your wife might not always be "in the mood" when you are. A real woman means times of disappointments and compromises in life, including in the bedroom. But the love you share together is priceless. Reality beats fantasy.

A life full of fantasy turns men into boys. Real men prefer reality--for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. A real man faces his bride on his wedding day and takes a vow for reality. He chooses reality over fantasy, sacrifice over selfishness, and courage over fear.

There is a reason that Playboy magazine is not called Playmen or Playhusbands. Men don't play with women and a husband would die for his wife if necessary. Play boys do neither. To men who wish for a lifetime of love with their wives, the answer is simple and yet requires everything within you. Choose reality over fantasy. Keep it real!

Fight Fire with Fire and Keep the Romance Burning

2009-09-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

As I look out my office windows this morning, the view of the mountains is shrouded in smoke. The San Gabriel mountains are on fire. It's ashes are raining down on Pasadena. With 150,000 acres burned so far, the top of Mount Wilson may be next to go up in flames. Mount Wilson has a historic observatory along with multi-million dollar university astronomy projects and buildings. It also has over twenty television, radio and cell phone antennae for the entire Los Angeles area. If the towers burn down today, communications will be disrupted or lost across the area.

Here in my office, I see the same threat to marriages. Left unchecked, fires of resentment, hurt, betrayal and neglect eventually destroy communication between husband and wives, leaving marriages in smoldering ashes. Once communications are destroyed, the marriage is usually over. When couples go from saying “I do” on their wedding day, to “I don’t want to talk to you again,” their trust and love are essentially gone.

When you smell smoke in your marriage, don’t ignore it. Take action to put out fires before they burn out of control. As prevention is ALWAYS the best defense to fires, here are three tips to defend your marriage from going up in flames:

#1 Speak up. Put out fires as soon as possible, while they are still small. While all marriages have conflicts, the best ones don’t ignore problems or let them fester. When you feel neglected, hurt or betrayed by your spouse, let him or her know. Don’t bottle up your feelings for days, weeks or months. I know spouses that bottled up such feelings for years, until one day they burst out in flames and the marriage burned down.

#2 Listen up. Listen without defending yourself. If you start defending yourself before your beloved is done talking, you aren't listening to what he or she has to tell you. Respect your spouse. You can explain your side after your beloved is done talking to you. Oftentimes, their complaints or bad feelings are alleviated just by getting it off their chest. Don’t shut down the other person. They will probably feel better again if you just respect them enough by listening.

#3 Fight fire with fire. Keep your romantic fires burning. An effective strategy by firefighters to stop forest fires is to fight fire with fire. Back-fires are intentionally lit to burn up the brush in the main fire’s path, thus stopping it before it reaches homes. Couples must also light their own back-fires to counteract the fires that would destroy their marriages. Keep the fires of your romance alive. Go on regular dates with your spouse. Be as creative as you were when you first dated. And never allow money to be an excuse to stay home. If you can't afford a nice restaurant, then take her out for coffee. Can’t afford a nice hotel? Go for a walk on the beach or in a park. And never forget to give compliments daily. Keep the romantic fires burning, and the fires of divorce will never be able to burn up your love.

A Word to Those Who Already Lost their Marriages:
I’m praying that Mt Wilson is spared from the flames today. But if it is destroyed, I’m sure that the universities and communications companies will rebuild it. As often as we see wildfires destroy homes in Southern California, we also see people rebuild their homes and businesses again. Fire crews are followed by construction crews. If your own marriage has already been lost, decide how you can make your next marriage more fire-proof. Just as people rebuild their homes, they can also rebuild their lives and relationships. Out of the ashes, new growth always follows in nature. Always. New growth can follow in your life too.

Talking Points for Talking with Your Spouse

2009-06-24T16:28:00.000-07:00

1. Never forget that your spouse is still your boyfriend or girlfriend—so treat him or her as you did before marriage with boatloads of respect and kindness. Remember how you used to listen to your beloved, asking him or her all kinds of questions? You not only asked how he or she was doing every day—you really wanted to know. You listened with both your ears and your eyes. After the wedding, some spouses mysteriously become deaf and blind, using one ear and no eyes when they talk.

2. Do you treat strangers better than your own spouse? Do you say things to your spouse that you would never say to strangers? Many spouses routinely use profanities at each other that they would never say to strangers. Words can kill or heal. Decide if you want to be a murderer or a doctor with your words.

3. You don’t use profanity? But do you routinely use words like "you never, ever, or always do ____________!"? Such words are profane because the generalizations throw out the truth. Does he really NEVER talk with you? Is she ALWAYS too tired for sex? Do you say these things anyway? You discredit the other person when you generalize their actions. That builds resentment. And resentment can cause him to quit talking to you, for her to be too tired for him, and for this cycle to continue FOREVER and ALWAYS.

4. Speak for yourself. It’s easy to say "You don’t care. You are _____________ (a selfish jerk, etc.,). It’s better and just as easy to start with an "I". "I was waiting for you to meet me at the restaurant at 7PM. What happened?" "I feel tuned out when you watch TV in bed. I’d like to get rid of it." Let your spouse know where you are coming from, and he or she can then speak for himself or herself.

5. Getting angry? It’s impossible to not get angry with your spouse about something. But it is possible to control your anger and use it responsibly. It is a cop-out to "lose your temper." You choose to lose it. You choose to control it. You always decide. Your temper does not control you. You control your anger. Practice points 2, 3 and 4 above when you are angry. And if you need time to cool off, then take your time. Better to take a ten minute break for a walk around the block then to say something that breaks your spouse’s heart. You can use the time to think how to say what you need to say, and then say it more effectively. There is nothing wrong with anger. What matters is how you express it.

6. Memorize one of the shortest verses from the Bible (whether you are religious or an atheist). "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger." (James 1:19) All these talking points are summed up in this one gem of wisdom. Live by this advice, and you will have a master’s degree in communication with your spouse.

7. Repeat point number one. Once upon a time when you dated your spouse, you routinely spoke words of affection, appreciation, desire and support. Keep speaking such words with your spouse every day. Call or text your long-term boyfriend or girlfriend (aka your spouse) just as you did with each other before you were married. Your dating life should last a lifetime. Have multiple "affairs" with your spouse--keep your romance exciting for both of you. Routinely ask, "How are you doing?" and listen with two ears and two eyes. Enjoy your conversation.

Bonus Talking Point
Want a Ph.D. in communication? Try this. After you have listened to your spouse say whatever she or he has to say, extend the conversation (and show your interest) by saying these five words; "And is there anything else?" These words show that you seriously want to know all that they are thinking or feeling--good or bad, favorable or not. Ask for more, listening with two ears and both your eyes. Try it and notice the difference.

The Good Life is Not Only in La Jolla

2009-06-04T10:37:00.000-07:00

What does "the good life" mean to you? While walking along an ocean bluff with my wife in La Jolla, I stumbled upon a house that made me suddenly stop and ask this age old question. As we came over a hill with a panoramic view of the blue Pacific below, I spotted the biggest home I have ever seen. This newly constructed mansion not only has the best ocean view around, it must also be one of the biggest homes in California. Had I found the answer to life's oldest question? Were we looking at the good life with our very own eyes?

As my wife and I walked back to our hotel , the answer was obvious. The good life means appreciating the good things we all have in our lives, whether that includes a mansion, apartment or shack. It means being good to yourself and doing good for others. It means opening your eyes to all the good things around you. Your life is as good as you make it to be and as good as you see it to be. Holding my wife's hand on a walk by the ocean is about as good as it gets for me.

What's good in your life? Even when there is plenty of bad around you, make sure to focus on the good around you too. And do good to others. The prophet Micah gave us a timeless answer to the question of the good life. "He (God) has shown you what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8). Want a good life? Act justly like this. Want a good marriage and family life? Love mercy like this. Want the good life--even if you don't live on an ocean bluff? Do good to those around you and the good life will by yours on whatever trail you walk.

A Sexual Revolution for Christian Men

2009-05-15T14:44:00.000-07:00

Rick's book on Christian Men and Sex
(co-authors Ryan Howes and Stephen Simpson, BakerBooks, 2007)

Excerpt from Introduction to
What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew about Sex:
A Guide for Christian Men

Four women sit in a restaurant talking about their love lives. It could be a scene out of Sex and the City or any soap opera. Three of the women complain about their boyfriends, lamenting their shortcomings and dreaming of something better. The fourth woman, who has been sitting quietly with smile on her face, speaks up and tells the others about her fiancé. He’s a devoted Christian, she says, and the other women nearly drop their forks. “You are sooo lucky,” says one. “How did you get a Christian man?” Then another woman says what the rest are thinking, “In or out of bed, Christian men are the greatest lovers in the world. I wish I had one.”

A true story? If not, it should be. Two thousand years after the greatest Lover in history walked the earth, its way past time that Christian men had such a reputation. If the hallmark of the Christian life is love, then Christian men should be renowned as the best lovers in the world. With Jesus as our example, along with the wisdom of the Bible on sex and love, Christian men have a unique advantage when it comes to making love. If you know Christ, then you already have the key to being a great lover. Knowing Christ frees a man to experience amazing love and incredible sex with his wife. See, it’s not just what you know about sex and love, it’s Who you know.

So what happened? Although God intended Christian men to be the best lovers in the world, they don’t have that reputation, and most never think of God having anything to do with sex. They don’t know what their wives wish they knew – that being great in bed has more to do with be a great man than anything else. The only way to become a great lover is to become the man God intended for you to become. After that, the rest is easy.

In our counseling practices, we see too many men in bondage to their sexuality. We see too many single men hiding their sexual passions under a bushel instead of letting it shine on a hill. At the other extreme, we see men so consumed with lust that they don’t know how to have a relationship with a woman, including a sexual one. Our goal is to set men free to love with passion, and do it forever in marriage. The Bible says, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” (2 Corinthians 3:17). This freedom includes your sexuality. So why have Christian men experienced feelings of bondage and desperation in their sexual lives?

Most Christian men have a ball and chain locked around each ankle. One was slapped on by the puritans, and the other by the pornographers. The puritan chain on your right ankle demands that male sexuality look more like the asexuality of angels -- you shouldn’t kiss a woman until your wedding, you shouldn’t turn your head if a gorgeous woman walks by and you shouldn’t talk about sex freely with your wife. Tied up with all these “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts,” a man can feel like castrating himself, because the daily guilt is too much to bear.

The pornographers’ have an equally oppressive chain wrapped around your other leg. This chain also comes with some “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”. You should only look at women as sex objects. You should never get tangled up in a committed relationship with a woman for the rest of your life. You should be totally uninhibited by shame or morality. And fidelity? That’s for prudes and losers.

Puritanism and pornography have something in common: they make men cowards. Puritan sexuality makes a man about as passionate and assertive as a wet Chihuahua. Pornography helps a man avoid taking a risk on a real relationship. It makes a man terrified of being dependent or “trapped” in a relationship. He remains forever a boy and never a man.
It’s time to break free and become the sexual man God created you to be. For Christian men, sex and love are meant to be partners. When you have one without the other, your marriage will be boring. We want this book to help you bring sex and love together. Great lovers see no separation between sex and love. But to become a great lover, you have to be free – free from the puritans and pornographers, from legalism and recklessness, from repression and exhibitionism...

Read more by ordering your copy of the book today. Click on the book cover to order Rick's book from amazon.com.

A Marriage Stimulus Package

2009-04-15T12:33:00.000-07:00

Marriage foreclosures have nearly identical causes as the recent housing crisis. If you put nothing down in your marriage and make interest only payments to your spouse--it is only a matter of time when your marriage will be upside-down in its equity and foreclose. Just as people have to be faithful to paying their monthly mortgage payment--usually for thirty years-- so spouses have to keep investing in their marriage. As homeowners are not allowed to miss a single payment--neither are you as a spouse. If you do, your marital credit rating will suffer and your marital equity will soon disappear.

What kind of payments does your marriage require? The answer is the same as when you first dated. You invested time and gave each other attention, consideration and lots of affection. Your spouse still needs the same. A marriage will foreclose if it misses these payments.

If you quit investing in your marriage, it’s time to renew some original habits. What did you used to do for each other when you first married? Usually it was the little things that mattered--and still matter. A phone call to say "I was thinking about you" can make your wife's day better. A kiss at the door can make him glad to be home. Patience, forgiveness, consideration, and respect all matter too. All these are simple, they don't cost money, but they always increase your love.

After five years or fifty, your marriage should have more equity than when it first begun.
As the government is spending trillions of dollars to bail out this economy, how much are you spending to invest in your marriage or to bail it out? If you're not sure where to start, here is a million dollar suggestion. Ask your spouse for a list of ten things (preferably in writing) that don't cost money but make him or her feel like a million bucks. Consider this list as your own marriage stimulus package. Do these things daily and your marital equity will never stop growing.