Rick's book on Christian Men and Sex
(co-authors Ryan Howes and Stephen Simpson, BakerBooks, 2007)
Excerpt from Introduction to
What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew about Sex:
A Guide for Christian Men
Four women sit in a restaurant talking about their love lives. It could be a scene out of Sex and the City or any soap opera. Three of the women complain about their boyfriends, lamenting their shortcomings and dreaming of something better. The fourth woman, who has been sitting quietly with smile on her face, speaks up and tells the others about her fiancé. He’s a devoted Christian, she says, and the other women nearly drop their forks. “You are sooo lucky,” says one. “How did you get a Christian man?” Then another woman says what the rest are thinking, “In or out of bed, Christian men are the greatest lovers in the world. I wish I had one.”
A true story? If not, it should be. Two thousand years after the greatest Lover in history walked the earth, its way past time that Christian men had such a reputation. If the hallmark of the Christian life is love, then Christian men should be renowned as the best lovers in the world. With Jesus as our example, along with the wisdom of the Bible on sex and love, Christian men have a unique advantage when it comes to making love. If you know Christ, then you already have the key to being a great lover. Knowing Christ frees a man to experience amazing love and incredible sex with his wife. See, it’s not just what you know about sex and love, it’s Who you know.
So what happened? Although God intended Christian men to be the best lovers in the world, they don’t have that reputation, and most never think of God having anything to do with sex. They don’t know what their wives wish they knew – that being great in bed has more to do with be a great man than anything else. The only way to become a great lover is to become the man God intended for you to become. After that, the rest is easy.
In our counseling practices, we see too many men in bondage to their sexuality. We see too many single men hiding their sexual passions under a bushel instead of letting it shine on a hill. At the other extreme, we see men so consumed with lust that they don’t know how to have a relationship with a woman, including a sexual one. Our goal is to set men free to love with passion, and do it forever in marriage. The Bible says, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” (2 Corinthians 3:17). This freedom includes your sexuality. So why have Christian men experienced feelings of bondage and desperation in their sexual lives?
Most Christian men have a ball and chain locked around each ankle. One was slapped on by the puritans, and the other by the pornographers. The puritan chain on your right ankle demands that male sexuality look more like the asexuality of angels -- you shouldn’t kiss a woman until your wedding, you shouldn’t turn your head if a gorgeous woman walks by and you shouldn’t talk about sex freely with your wife. Tied up with all these “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts,” a man can feel like castrating himself, because the daily guilt is too much to bear.
The pornographers’ have an equally oppressive chain wrapped around your other leg. This chain also comes with some “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”. You should only look at women as sex objects. You should never get tangled up in a committed relationship with a woman for the rest of your life. You should be totally uninhibited by shame or morality. And fidelity? That’s for prudes and losers.
Puritanism and pornography have something in common: they make men cowards. Puritan sexuality makes a man about as passionate and assertive as a wet Chihuahua. Pornography helps a man avoid taking a risk on a real relationship. It makes a man terrified of being dependent or “trapped” in a relationship. He remains forever a boy and never a man.
It’s time to break free and become the sexual man God created you to be. For Christian men, sex and love are meant to be partners. When you have one without the other, your marriage will be boring. We want this book to help you bring sex and love together. Great lovers see no separation between sex and love. But to become a great lover, you have to be free – free from the puritans and pornographers, from legalism and recklessness, from repression and exhibitionism...
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