As I look out my office windows this morning, the view of the mountains is shrouded in smoke. The San Gabriel mountains are on fire. It's ashes are raining down on Pasadena. With 150,000 acres burned so far, the top of Mount Wilson may be next to go up in flames. Mount Wilson has a historic observatory along with multi-million dollar university astronomy projects and buildings. It also has over twenty television, radio and cell phone antennae for the entire Los Angeles area. If the towers burn down today, communications will be disrupted or lost across the area.Here in my office, I see the same threat to marriages. Left unchecked, fires of resentment, hurt, betrayal and neglect eventually destroy communication between husband and wives, leaving marriages in smoldering ashes. Once communications are destroyed, the marriage is usually over. When couples go from saying “I do” on their wedding day, to “I don’t want to talk to you again,” their trust and love are essentially gone.
When you smell smoke in your marriage, don’t ignore it. Take action to put out fires before they burn out of control. As prevention is ALWAYS the best defense to fires, here are three tips to defend your marriage from going up in flames:
#1 Speak up. Put out fires as soon as possible, while they are still small. While all marriages have conflicts, the best ones don’t ignore problems or let them fester. When you feel neglected, hurt or betrayed by your spouse, let him or her know. Don’t bottle up your feelings for days, weeks or months. I know spouses that bottled up such feelings for years, until one day they burst out in flames and the marriage burned down.
#2 Listen up. Listen without defending yourself. If you start defending yourself before your beloved is done talking, you aren't listening to what he or she has to tell you. Respect your spouse. You can explain your side after your beloved is done talking to you. Oftentimes, their complaints or bad feelings are alleviated just by getting it off their chest. Don’t shut down the other person. They will probably feel better again if you just respect them enough by listening.
#3 Fight fire with fire. Keep your romantic fires burning. An effective strategy by firefighters to stop forest fires is to fight fire with fire. Back-fires are intentionally lit to burn up the brush in the main fire’s path, thus stopping it before it reaches homes. Couples must also light their own back-fires to counteract the fires that would destroy their marriages. Keep the fires of your romance alive. Go on regular dates with your spouse. Be as creative as you were when you first dated. And never allow money to be an excuse to stay home. If you can't afford a nice restaurant, then take her out for coffee. Can’t afford a nice hotel? Go for a walk on the beach or in a park. And never forget to give compliments daily. Keep the romantic fires burning, and the fires of divorce will never be able to burn up your love.
A Word to Those Who Already Lost their Marriages:
I’m praying that Mt Wilson is spared from the flames today. But if it is destroyed, I’m sure that the universities and communications companies will rebuild it. As often as we see wildfires destroy homes in Southern California, we also see people rebuild their homes and businesses again. Fire crews are followed by construction crews. If your own marriage has already been lost, decide how you can make your next marriage more fire-proof. Just as people rebuild their homes, they can also rebuild their lives and relationships. Out of the ashes, new growth always follows in nature. Always. New growth can follow in your life too.
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