Many husbands and wives never explicitly answer this question before they marry. They share generic expectations like having fun together and always being together. Deeper and more important expectations are avoided or not discussed. And even when they are discussed, many spouses ignore them anyway. The examples are endless. John wants his kids raised Catholic and Sharon doesn’t care (until five years later when she has children and realizes that she really does care but “never really thought about it”). Jackie expects to move to Seattle near her family when Dave finishes his degree, but Dave expects them to stay in Florida with his sunshine and boat. Gail expects Derek will quit drinking after the wedding. Joe expects Tina to keep her 24 inch waist.
When you don’t fully know and disclose your expectations to your spouse, you are not being fair to him or her. You’re also not being fair to yourself. If you don’t know what you want or believe, how is your spouse supposed to know what you want or who you are before marrying you? We expect full disclosure about a house before we buy it or a job before we take it. When we know in advance what to expect, we can best judge if we want the house or the job and prepare for it. The same is true for marriage. The more we know about our own expectations and our beloved’s, the more we can discuss, prepare for, and accommodate for those expectations. This can also lead a couple to decide not to marry in the first place—which is infinitely better than a decision to divorce ten years later.
What do you expect? What do you need, want and value in your personal life and marriage? You owe it to yourself and your spouse to be as explicit and honest as possible with your answers. You might find that some of your expectations are unreasonable and need to be changed or thrown away. Do you really expect her waist to always be the same? Do you really expect him to buy whatever you want or that you will never argue in your marriage?
In her book, The Divorce Lawyers Guide to Staying Married, Wendy Jaffe researched the four most common unrealistic expectations that lead to divorce. How do you relate to her list?
1. Marriage to Anyone is Better than being Single
2. We will Always be in Romantic Love
3. Marriage will Change my Spouse
4. Love Conquers All—Common Goals and Values Don’t Matter
Jaffe also suggests some realistic expectations that lead to the happiest marriages (p.53).
1. I will not suffer verbal or physical abuse at the hands of my spouse.
2. Children will probably put a stress on our marriage
3. At some point in our marriage, my spouse and I may have to go to counseling
4. For our marriage to work, we need to make time for just each other.
5. Some days my spouse will bore me.
6. Sometimes my spouse will do things that will make me angry.
7. My spouse will have opinions that I don’t agree with.
8. I may have in-laws in my life that I don’t care for.
9. Our sex life might be great, but it will not be like it was on our honeymoon.
How do you relate to these lists of unrealistic and realistic expectations? Which ones do you need to discuss and clarify with your spouse? Which ones do you need to change or let go?
Unmet expectations—whether realistic or unrealistic—lead to resentment. If you are feeling resentful in your marriage, it may be time to discuss your expectations. To help enrich your marriage or to prepare for marriage, complete my What Do You Expect? worksheet. Print out the questionnaire, write out your answers separately, then share your answers with each other. Your simple goal is to understand each other better (no arguing here, just listen to each other). Even older couples are surprised at what they learn from each other. You might clear up a hidden source of resentment or prevent one from starting. Expect to understand each other better--beginning with yourself.
Comments
Post a Comment