Sexless marriage is the ultimate oxymoron. How is it possible for couples to go from not being able to keep their hands off each other to not wanting to touch each other? Couples get married because they can't wait "to have and to hold" each other and to live and to sleep together for the rest of their lives. In fact, over half of couples can’t wait. They start their sexual life well before the wedding when the husband may officially kiss the bride. Then many couples become like North and South Korea—permanently separated by a demilitarized zone that one or both would never cross.
In her book, The Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married, (2006) divorce attorney Wendy Jaffe interviews the top 100 divorce lawyers in the United States. She asks them to spell out the top ten causes of divorce. The first cause related to sex. While extra-marital sex is a problem, no sex is also a problem—an all too common problem. As one lawyer observes,
“I hear a lot—and I mean a lot—of people saying that they haven’t had sex in years and years, and then being surprised that their marriage is ending. Twenty-five to fifty times a year, clients tell me they haven’t had sex in two years, five years, or seven years. We are not talking about ‘he wants it all the time.’ We are talking about none…zero. “ Another lawyer comments, “I handled a case where the couple hadn’t had sex in at least fifteen years. For healthy people to go five, ten or fifteen years without sex was initially a shocker to me, but it isn’t anymore.” (p23)
As a marriage therapist for over twenty years, I’m no longer shocked either. I’ve even heard a wife give her husband an ultimatum: either no sex or no marriage. In other words, if he wanted sex—she’d file for divorce.
Physical distance between a couple is usually a sign of emotional distance. Grudges, resentments, betrayals, and bitterness drive wedges between couples. Sex in the bedroom is not the only thing that disappears. Even simple contacts like holding hands or a kiss at the kitchen sink fade away. Some couples sit as far away as possible from each other on my office couch.
To their surprise, some of these sexual problems are brought into a marriage and don’t surface for a couple until after the wedding. Some husbands say they saw more skin on their wife before marriage than after. Their wives won’t allow them to see them undress or shower and turn out the lights so they won’t be seen. They feel anxious about sex and may think their husband’s sexual desires are bad. Sexless marriages like this often come from a childhood where all sex was taught to be wrong. Even when married, some wives can still believe that sex is bad. And women that have been sexually abused or raped can carry lasting distrust of men, no matter how trustworthy her husband. Husbands can avoid intimacy with their wives for their own reasons. Impotency problems and fear of “performance” is one issue. Low self-confidence, depression or anxiety of being “enough” of a man can also cause a husband to avoid his wife’s embrace.
Is it possible for sexless marriages to become sexy again? The short answer is “Yes.” I’ve seen many couples go from not touching each other to being sexually active again. But the longer answer is that “It depends.” It depends on how they care for their emotional needs. Are they willing to forgive and let go of resentments and hurts? Are they willing to treat each other with dignity and respect again? When couples learn new ways to positively communicate and understand each other, their sexual passion can grow again.
Old beliefs about sex may also need to change. Some wives need to learn how their sexuality is good. They can also learn how their husband’s sexual desire for them is not only good but great. Husbands can learn ways to address and overcome impotency problems. They can learn new ways to connect with their wives emotionally. If there is one thing I’ve heard from countless wives, it’s this, “If he would just connect with me emotionally first, I’d be much more ready to connect with him physically.” And from husbands, “If she would connect more physically, I’d be much more ready to connect with her emotionally.” Maybe couples can meet each other at least half way instead of no way.
Old beliefs about sex may also need to change. Some wives need to learn how their sexuality is good. They can also learn how their husband’s sexual desire for them is not only good but great. Husbands can learn ways to address and overcome impotency problems. They can learn new ways to connect with their wives emotionally. If there is one thing I’ve heard from countless wives, it’s this, “If he would just connect with me emotionally first, I’d be much more ready to connect with him physically.” And from husbands, “If she would connect more physically, I’d be much more ready to connect with her emotionally.” Maybe couples can meet each other at least half way instead of no way.
This will sound obvious, but many couples can help their sex life by simply going to bed—together. When one person is on the Internet in the other room, and the other is in bed, the romance can’t happen because it physically can’t happen. Twenty feet apart is too far apart for most arms and bodies to reach each other. And go to bed earlier. Fatigue is a common enemy of sexual intimacy. The majority of American couples don’t get enough sleep and are often too tired to have sex. Many couples tell me that as soon as they hit their pillow at night…they’re out.
This next word of advice will also sound obvious, but many couples still need to hear it. Clear your bed and your bedroom from distractions to your love life. Turn off the TV at night. Better yet, take it out of the bedroom. Research shows that couples without a TV in their bedrooms have over twice the amount of sex that TV couples do. And what’s that in your bed? Some beds are too crowded to have sex. Cats, dogs, and toddlers don’t help a couple’s sex life. Some couples have all three of the above in their beds at the same time!
Couples can keep their sexual passion alive and well if they pay attention to all these factors. Some may need to see a doctor for physical problems. Others may need to see a therapist for emotional and relational problems. Fortunately, help is available for sexless marriages. As Jaffe warns in her book, “lack of sex frequently leads straight to a divorce lawyer’s office.” (p28) To keep you or your spouse from going there, here are some questions that Jaffe suggests asking yourself:
!. Do you and your spouse rarely (or never) have sex?
2. Do you or your spouse think that it is “normal” to have a healthy marriage that doesn’t include sex?
3. Is sex missing from your marriage and do you have reason to suspect that your spouse is having an affair?
And here are two questions of my own:
1. Do you go to bed with your spouse at the same time at least the majority of nights?
2. What are the emotional or physical things (including cats and dogs) that keep distance between you and your spouse? What steps can you take to remove those from your marriage?
My own book gives couples some helpful ways to reignite their passion for one another; What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew about Sex (2007), recently ranked number one bestseller on Amazon Kindle in books on Sex. My chapter on “How to make it Last” offers practical ways for couples to keep their affection alive and well for a lifetime. With time and attention, a couple can change a sexless marriage into a sexy one. What is one thing you can do today to make your marriage a sexy marriage?
To order either book on Amazon, click on the book titles in the blog.
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